The first half of this post was written the day before my daughter, Josephine, was born. I found the original draft last week, but I want to finish what I think I was trying to say. So, if the writing seems disjointed, it's because it is.
The other day I was talking with Pastor Arnie after our midweek Advent service.
He said to me, "I've got a new word for you... Infanticipation."
in-fan-tic-i-pa-tion /'infənt'tisə'pāSH(ə)n/ noun a feeling of intense anxiety, excitement, and impatience at the end of a pregnancy. "Jeff could not focus on any of his work because of his infanticipation." |
What a great word!
December has been an absolute grind. God bless Summer -- our daughter is late. Four weeks ago, our doctor told us her best guess was two weeks max.
Eat spicy food. Bounce on a ball. Go for walks. None of it works.
Nobody knows nothing about anything, I'm convinced. The third trimester is 12 weeks in which every single person, on the face of the planet, feels compelled to share their anecdotal advice with expecting parents.
It's cool, really. I'm just ready.
I want to meet my daughter.
We're scheduled to induce on December 23rd at 2am, which also, means absolutely nothing. Baby could come 2-3 days after that.
"Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly." - Proverbs 14:29
Most of my life, I've been the latter. I've been a quick-tempered fool. It has done me absolutely no good.
I'm amazed to admit that I feel, surprisingly, at peace.
That's where I left the original post. "At peace."
My impatience and temper have been magically cured by having a daughter. I'm a still an idiot. But I do feel different.
It's funny to read your own writing. I almost never do it, but re-reading this post is like getting a glimpse into my pre-Josie brain. In many ways, it feels like someone else wrote those words.
I am more at peace now, then I was back then. But, between then and now, my life has been more chaotic than any other period of my life. Even now, the chaos and the change haven't gone away, nor will they anytime soon. I've just come to accept that the peace God offers is in spite of those things.
Life is harder. Life is much more complicated. The stakes have never been higher, but life has never been better.
All of this makes me think of when Summer and I were newly-weds. Everything in my brain and my decision-making shifted the morning I woke up next to her on June 2nd: I felt a gigantic sense of responsibility. The only thing I could think was, "How am I going to be a good husband?" or "Don't get yourself killed and leave Summer as a widow."
My habits changed. My schedule changed. My priorities changed. The way my brain worked changed, and yet, I'd argue that -- despite all that change -- being married to Summer has helped me become more of who I am than I would be otherwise. It's a tool God has used to make me more like Jesus.
I'm still no where close to that mark, but the other blessing of being married to Summer is I understand and experience God's grace more fully because of her.
Being Josie's dad has done the same thing.
This is weird smattering of my thought, but I titled this post "Enjoy today" when I first wrote it because I needed a reminder.
A reminder to be patient, to enjoy the moments before Josie came, to enjoy that time with Summer in her last few days of pregnancy before everything changed. To be the husband God has called me to be.
Those were precious moments. And I wouldn't trade what I have now for what I had then, but part of me wishes I had been more present with Summer. I wish I had fully cherished every single second we had when it was just the two of us.
I'll never be the person I was before. Thank, God.
Those days are gone, but God has given me a new day, and a new chance to be grateful. To enjoy today. And realize that I have so much to be grateful for. Today is a chance to be fully invested in every single second I get with my family.
Today is a day to love and cherish Josie, who's almost three weeks old. To enjoy tummy time, diaper changes, the crying, the burping, the silly faces she makes.
Today is a good day to appreciate how amazing my wife is, how strong she is, and how well she loves our little girl. Today's a good day to be a better husband, a better father.
Today is sacred.
Amen.
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